midnight blue, just like you

I love coming home smelling like him
b/c of the wonderful hugs he gives me
and the way he holds me.

How his very motions tell me of his love,
the simple way he melts into my arms &I into his.

How he can not hide it,
I saw it,
a hidden something in his eyes
like a pondering question
behind hazel eyes.
Denied of existence
but not for long,
for long longings do not like to lay in wait.
the weight of which is far to great to bear
--an emotion buried deep beneath.
one that needed to breathe
you needed to breathe
out this emotion
Calling it into being
for yourself &for I
And
we
called
it
love

in the morning my dear

its super late
&im suppose to be doing hmwk
but im a great procrastinator
too bad being a great procrastinator doesnt make you so great at school

i have not posted in forever
obviously

i now have a boyfriend
& a boy friend has got me
he makes me soo happy
he loves me so much
& i lovvve that
and i love him
i just havent told 'em
but i will,
manana le dire,
in the morning my dear.
--maybe more like lunch or brunch.
and for dinner friday,
papas en la casa de mis papas.
para que el los conosca y que ellos tambien

missing: gold coins

so i totally accidentally deleted a post/blog i liked
the Love Shall Drive out Fear or something like that...
lame

when i grow up... I wana be a woman

i just hope
im becoming the woman he deserves.
the woman my husband needs.
The woman God intended me to be
all along from the very beginning,
When he spoke things into being.
because the question is not to be or not to be
but am i
be
ing
am i
be
coming,
loving.

day 129-09

the sheets still smell like my sister
ive lost my sister and gained a horrible horrible man
i know young boys greater men than he
and a beautiful soul will have to be born into this mess
God save us all

secret

i fear expressing myself

sometimes b/c i feel it will be taken as a cry for attention
sometimes b/c i think ppl will think im stupid.
they will think how ever could you have thought that,
heck no i dont like you,
i dont like her anymore &dont want to be friends w/her
shes so weird

Claude Monet

Go on
&speak those words,
you know the ones.
Answer all her questions,
the ones fear does not utter.
worry not about awkwardness for it lives not in the company of truth
&honesty will paint reality,
& it shall be a beautiful picture.

we are invisible

alksjflkdjafhds IT SUCKS!
That those who went out to the state capitol in demonstration of the child kidnappings that are going on in Uganda and the neighboring areas have not been rescued. they are out there waiting for a public figure in government or film or culture to go take a stand with them, lending their voice for the cause in Uganda/'rescuing them' from the capitol lawn were we were symbolically abducted to yesterday at 3pm.

More than 800 showed up to take a stand for justice
we wrote letters to our senators
we called news stations
i slept under an umbrella as it rained throughout the night
we called cnn
again and agian
we annoyed cnn
but they annoyed us as well
we touched the heart of maya angelou
but no one came
no one rescued us

no one cares

help! in need of rescue

It breaks my heart to know that our children are being abducted --and we dont even realize it
the cries and weeps of mothers are going unheard
we dont even realize what is going on &we feel as though we cant help them
but we can
because We The People
have the power
to ask our government --plead with our elected leaders
to do something
&it was for this purpose that we gave them these powers

the babes from which praise should ring are being ripped from their homes
TERRORIZED
and forced to commit horrendous crimes
&murder or be murdered
NO CHILD OF 9YRS SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT
NO SON OR DAUGHTER
NO TEENAGER
NO HUMAN BEING
no No NO!

Know what is going on in northern Uganda & now the Congo
know about the children the world can not see being forced to be a part of the rebel army
know of how they suffer
KNOW THERE IS HOPE

we can not stand by and allow these kind of things to happen
in what circumstance is something like this ever ok
ok to kill
ok to abduct children and terrorize them into killing machines

ok to turn a blind eye toward
ok to not do something

alsdgfjkdjsfljskflkdmcHELP!

Americana exotica

My chest continues to feel as though some hideous winged beast flutters within.

yesterday the nervous and anxiety for one of my projects, a socratic discussion on evolution, could have killed me i was so nervous and worried about it.
it went well, very well. i dont know how good my written portion was but as i was walking out of class my professor yelled out 'good job miss. ovalle' soo that made me feel better
&then wed. i was nervous about my artt lesson plan presentation
most of my nervous stem from procrastinating and not knowing if im going to have the work done on time
but yea
that feeling still lingers though at times
the nervousness
its just not as big anymore
before it felt like i would throw up a small bird LOL
now maybe something a bit smaller
like Americana exotica
or a monarch

but yea good thing school is almost over
not really, i have sooo much work these next 2wks that im not even thinking about finals b/c these weeks are so BIG and important to me that finals seem small and tiny
so i cant enjoy the fact that im almost done with this semester

ill also be doing both summer schools
so ill be in SM and not SA for the most part
that sucks cause i wont get to see my SA friends much
or even less than i already was
we'll see
maybe ill go back to SA for the month of may

p.s. i really need to go to the McNay art museum in SA for my art class....

Day 111-09

i have good bestfriends
a good roommate
she lets me stay up late on my laptop while she tries to sleep
makes me veggie food and shares her tea

next year will be goood too

&ill have my car
& school is going to get soo good
im getting so excited about being a teacher, it will be soo soon
ill even be a better student next year

I want to see big things, be in prayer for BIG things. I want to see God tear up this place, this city. To have it truly shine atop this hill we lay on. I want to see us worship on this mount, to believe these things are possible. to believe in our God. to be alive &&thrive not just survive.

today was a good day
my backpack felt good
today i wore shorts it was soo hott
classes went well
i didnt go back to work after lab
dinner was goood &fun --we'll nail the rice next time
my artt proj. wasnt too bad, idk im not really done with it
but i am far too tired
i shall take a nap
farewell vast empty space to which i tell my daily thoughts
blackhole of a dairy
uninhabited and deserted sweet dessert of mine
o! that rhymes

shh

my eric carle is in the art gallery

random

i hope my feet feel better tomorrow
i ran them raw today
i was going to be late to my theater class so i ran all the way from art --barefoot
b/c i could run faster with out my sandles
all was fine till class let out and i felt as though i couldnt walk!
my feet hurt soo bad and i needed to go to the Cru office to get stuff for outreach --to which only one person showed up
--im thankful for them but yea...
so yea, feet hurt
blisters on the souls of my feet -on my toes :(

proverbs 24:26 (esv)

i'll tell you a secret:
it was the greatest lie id ever heard,
next to 'surely you wont die.'
a truly romantic tragedy.

caged bird

an untitled something

i get so frustrated and jealous, not in a terrible way --if there even is such a thing. this is constant non stop from here to there and back again then past all this &left it behind just to return. I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP, THROW IN THE TOWEL & SUBMIT TO GOD --BUT I DONT KNOW HOW.
why does desire have such great strength, and the will is so weak; how is it that one can subdue the heart? what does it take, the mind? i think ive tried that. .......................I dont want to, i dont want to....................i like my mosquito bites
. . .
its not the mind. its not the body --i dont have that strength. it is God. It takes God. &maybe submission and that is the hardest of all.
we all like our mud holes,[blue tilapia] just lil babies playing in slums making mud pies
Oh God! let ours eyes arise and be pleased by holidays at your seas[cs lewis].


fyi: sometimes i start these posts and get distracted by prayer, sleep, fb or food and dont publish them or decide not to b/c id prefer my privacy. but sometimes i come back weeks later or days and decide to post them after all and finish off any last thoughts.
thank you & good day

Brother and Sister

I just got back from hanging out with Randy & Stephanie!!! They treated me to a night out and are just amazing souls :)
Man are they awesome &oh so kind. They came and picked me up at my house & kidnapped me to downtown San Antonio b/c i had no idea where we were going thus a kidnapping LOL. The plan was to go to the Life Is Good store and then dinner &then... yea wing it from there. They let me pick the style of food for dinner but today i happen to be in one of my most indecisive moods ever --i just had no idea what i wanted to eat & was fine with any thing. We ended up having sushi, which i absolutely loved. tempura, eel sushi = 2 thumbs way up. Stephanie gave me a tour of down town lol, we took some pics --3 ladies almost stole randy's camera lol, and i just loved down town. The architecture, lights, river, music and bagpipes how could i not --well except the traffic, there was terrible traffic & no parking!
Then we went to the Quarry to chill some more & had ice cream --yum! &yea greatness {"spread good vibes" --life is good}

but yea, i love them, they are great friends and put up with my absent/horrible long-distance friendship && the fact that i pretty much live out in the boonies compared to where they live & still drive out there to get me and most of all bring me home lol because i still dont have a car --but hopefully, if all goes well ill have one sometime along summer.

i want more

i want to hangout with my friends
i want to feel loved -in love
i want a car -to be able to go where i want when i want
i wish i didnt need the praise of men to lift my spirit
i wish i didnt turn my back on god that way & betray
i want to be righteous, i dont want to mess up anymore
i want to do what i want, to see my friends when i want
i want my friends like in the days of old
i love the those words 'the days of old'
they are to me a time in history when creation was right with God & all was well in our souls
& if we werent right with God we were very close, we were well

i dont feel very loved & i know its a lie...
but i cant fight it b/c it sounds so true
i need REAL friendships
i need deep roots
Like a tree whose leaves do not wither
surrounded by lovely streams
streams of love
streams of Love
--"BEBEN Y BEBEN Y VUELVEN A BEBER
LOS PECES EN EL RÍO POR VER AL DIOS NACER"

pancakes and Sunshine

Well here is another attempt at yet another blog site --we'll see how this goes. Im not sure why im starting this I already have a myspace and facebook I can write in But for some reason I think this will be different. I dont know what this will look like, what kind of entries/blogs and such I just hope to write more, write honestly, write carefree, the little silly things of my days and the deep waters I tread thru along the way.
Sincerely,
me


This morning my dad made us pancakes for breakfast --it was lovely. I got to help, did a little here and there, flipped some pancakes in the air. We made a tower of more than 15 pancakes & it was delicious :)


I've been having this ongoing feeling every morning that today will be a beautiful day. & they have been beautiful days, very quaint just a simple beauty. Its a bit odd and surprising, nothing big happens to make them beautiful they just start that way, with that feeling.

I can only imagine that this feeling is somehow how Jesus looked. It was said that he would have no beauty or anything in his appearance to attract us to him[Isa. 53:2] & a couple days ago a friend and I happen to be talking about this. How it is so hard to imagine a Jesus who maybe looked a little plain even ugly. Its so hard to rip away from the mind all the images that artist have depicted of him throughout the ages. How it was so difficult to imagine a Jesus without beauty when I find soo beautiful the man who knows my every detestable thing...shame & hate . . and yet, still lifts my head, wraps his arms around me and showers me with tears of love. The man that would give his every drop of blood, his very last breath, who would endure torture and pain that we may someday see his unconditional love. How could I imagine a Jesus without beauty when I find him soo beautiful its l o v e. He is love --looking at me, seeing me like none has done before --like no one has ever taken the time to do so before.

Its hard to imagine I love him back. I know I am very grateful & I say I love him and I do --But its so difficult to understand love, especially true love. I truly want to love him but how can I love him when my love looks like caring for those I love. I care for the ones I love, look after them and share time, joy, and beauty with them But how can i do that with God. How can I care for and look after God and his son. When I know love as to care, how could I not be confused as to if I love God enough or the way I would like --or better yet, love him the way I am use to loving.
But I do know that God would want my love for him to look like loving those around me, on this round earth. Because that is what love looks like, Loving him, honoring him and loving others, all others, just as he did.